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Navigating love and intimacy after a cancer diagnosis

Changes to the body can be tough to come to terms with when you're thinking about intimacy
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While the focus on Valentine's Day is on romance, dating and intimacy are not easy for everyone. Your own self-love can be complicated when you're navigating a cancer diagnosis, but that doesn't mean you can't find ways to open up and let someone in.

Cancer is a personal journey, but sometimes the impacts are on display for everyone if you've suffered hair loss, had a mastectomy, or have to wear a fluid bag. Changes to the body can be tough to come to terms with when you're thinking about intimacy.

Nicole McCallister, an Oncology Social Worker with Ironwood Cancer & Research Centers, says questions of how to handle the topic come up often at cancer support meetings.

"'How do I tell them? How do I show them?' Even if it's an existing relationship with a husband or wife," said McCallister.

She says it's OK to tell a new partner you have or had cancer at your own pace, but she does advise you to tell them at some point.

Her advice is to practice having "the talk" with a close friend or family member who you feel most comfortable with. She suggests you prepare for questions your partner may have and be ready to set boundaries.

"Maybe your scar tissue is painful. Maybe before your pleasure points were on your chest and now that part of your chest is gone," McCallister said.

Before taking a relationship to the next level, she suggests you set yourself up for success with these tips:

  • Connect with other survivors who've successfully dated and understand where you're coming from.
  • Give yourself some grace. You may not be the same person you were before cancer or do things the same way and that's OK.
  • Make a list of your best features and accentuate them, rather than focus on areas you may be shy about.
  • Consider new lingerie and clothing that shows off your favorite areas and helps conceal areas you may not be comfortable with, like surgery scars.

"Focus on the positives. Maybe your hair grew back with a little curl, and you like the pixie look. If your face is pale, get some new makeup or a lipstick that pops," suggests McCallister, who also reminds survivors that intimacy isn't all about the bedroom, being vulnerable can be sexy, there's spiritual and intellectual intimacy, and even the simple act of holding hands can be an intimate act.

If you're married and suddenly navigating new feelings, she says to be open with your spouse, but also boost their confidence and share something in them you find sexy because they may be just as nervous.

Finally, she says even if it ends up being one date, that's progress, and recovery is all about moving forward.

"Remind yourself that you have a lot to offer, you are amazing and if that person is worthy of receiving it, then great, and if not, they're not the one for you."

You can find topic-related resources at Cancer.gov, Cancer.net, and AARP.

In the Valley, Ironwood Cancer and Research Centers have support groups and resources you can learn more about via email at socialwork@ironwoodcrc.com or wellness@ironwoodcrc.com, as well as a free two-part series on Sexual Health available on its YouTube page.