In the past, at times like these, when his life foundered and frayed around the edges, Ryan Bell often prayed for help. But this year, at least, the pastor has resolved not to.
For the next 12 months, Bell says he will live as if there is no God.
He will not pray, go to church, read the Bible for inspiration, trust in divine providence or hope in things unseen. He's taking the opposite of a leap of faith: a free fall into the depths of religious doubt.
Bell's "intellectual experiment," which began January 1, has already borne dramatic consequences.
In less than a week, he lost two jobs teaching at Christian schools near his home in Los Angeles. He's 42 and has been a pastor or in seminary for most of his adult life. Now he faces the prospect of poverty and taking odd jobs to feed his two daughters, 10 and 13.
"There have been times, usually late at night and early in the morning, when I think: What have I done? It really undermines the whole structure of your life, your career, your family," Bell said.
But just as the man of God began to despair, he found help from an unlikely source: atheists.
'Suspending belief '
The seeds of Bell's journey were planted last March, when he was asked to resign as pastor of a Seventh-day Adventist congregation in Hollywood.
He had advocated for the church to allow gay and lesbian leaders, campaigned against California's same-sex marriage ban and disputed deeply held church doctrines about the End Times.
Eventually, his theological and political liberalism became more than leaders in the denomination could bear, and he lost his career of 19 years. His faith was shaken, and for a while Bell became a "religious nomad."
On the positive side, losing his church job gave him the freedom to question the foundations of his religious belief without fear of troubling his congregation.
"I could finally pursue those questions that had been bouncing around my head," he said, while earning money from teaching, speaking and consulting jobs.
Then, after lunch with a friend last year, he thought: What if he tried out atheism, and lived with no religion at all for a year?
"It's like when you go to a movie and you suspend disbelief for three hours to get inside the story," Bell said. "I'm suspending my belief in God to see what atheism is all about."
Bell, who still holds ministerial credentials in the Seventh-day Adventist Church, thought it would be a neat little intellectual experiment.
He would interview atheists, attend gatherings of nonbelievers and read through the canon of skeptics: Friedrich Nietzsche, Baruch Spinoza, Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, among others.
When friends got sick, instead of praying, as was once his immediate response, Bell said, he would "do something tangible and practical and supportive for them."
He would start a blog, "Year Without God," and write about his faithless journey. Bell thought maybe a few people would read his posts, follow along and offer advice or criticism.
"I didn't realize, even four days ago, how difficult it would be for some people to embrace me while I was embracing this journey of open inquiry into the question of God's existence," Bell wrote on Saturday.
‘We need to talk'
The first signs of trouble came around the turn of the new year, just days after Bell announced his experiment online.
Texts and e-mails arrived from friends, family and colleagues with the ominous phrase, "We need to talk."
Kurt Fredrickson, a friend of Bell's and associate dean of ministry at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California, sent one of those messages.
Bell, a graduate of Fuller, had taught in the school's doctorate development program for the past year. But Fredrickson told his friend that his sabbatical from faith meant a sabbatical from the seminary as well.
"From an academic standpoint, and even as a personal journey, I'm really excited about what Ryan is doing," Fredrickson said.
"There is no honest person of faith who doesn't have doubts, and Ryan is being courageous enough to take a step back and assess his life. This is bold stuff."
But Bell's job at Fuller was to help students through their doctoral dissertations, a particularly stressful time, Fredrickson said, when seminarians need to lean on a person with strong faith.
"They are flying solo for the first time and we want to not only teach, but to nurture souls as well," Fredrickson said. "Ryan saying he's going to be an atheist for a year is a little contradictory to that."
Fuller would be happy to talk to Bell when his experiment is over, the dean added.
Azusa Pacific University, where Bell had taught intercultural communication since 2011, also declined to renew his contract.
Rachel White, a spokeswoman for the school, wouldn't comment, saying it was an internal personnel matter. But she said all school and faculty are expected to sign a statement of faith outlining their belief in Christianity.
Also this year, Bell lost a consulting job with a Seventh-day Adventist Church
in Glendale, California.
Bell said he bears no ill will toward the church or the schools that let him go, though he wishes they would tolerate, if not support, his atheism experiment. The loss of income has led to some family stress, he said.
"I have kids to support and utilities to pay and the rent is due," Bell said. "At this point I'm willing to do almost anything." Bell said he and his wife are divorcing, thought not because of his atheist experiment.
Meanwhile, the phone calls, e-mails and texts from friends and family worried about the fate of his soul continue to pour in.
‘A beautiful gesture'
"He learned what it's like to be an atheist real fast," said Hemant Mehta, a prominent atheist blogger and schoolteacher in Illinois.
Mehta said he knows many atheists who fear that "coming out of the closet" will jeopardize their jobs and relationships, just as in Bell's experience.
"This guy is getting punished for publicly saying he's going to try atheism," Mehta said.
Mehta said he doesn't exactly agree with Bell's experiment. How does one try to "become" an atheist anyway? It's not like a hat you try on to see if it fits. Isn't there still a nagging suspicion in the back of Bell's mind that there is a God? (For the record, Bell describes his current theological beliefs as agnostic -- somewhere between belief and atheism.)
Still, Mehta said he admired Bell's pluck and sympathized with his plight. Though he had never spoken with the pastor, Mehta set up an online fundraiser for Bell on Tuesday. In just one day, nearly 900 people donated more than $19,000 to help "the pastor giving atheism a try."
"I think more than anything else, people appreciate that this guy is giving atheism a shot," Mehta said. "I mean, he lost three jobs in the span of a week just for saying he was exploring it."
Bell said he knows Christians and agnostics who have contributed to his fundraiser as well, so it's not an all-atheist effort.
Still, he's impressed that nonbelievers have flocked to help fund his experiment
"It really validates that the (atheist) community is really all about the search for truth," Bell said. "They know that I might not even end up as an atheist at the end of my search, but it doesn't matter to them. It's such a beautiful gesture."
Will the support tip Bell toward atheism? The pastor is agnostic about that, too – for now.