CINCINNATI - "The Bachelor"' episode 5 part 1 opens without Sean's abs. Wait a minute! I did NOT sign up for this.
The group was whisked away to the most romantic place on earth… Montana. (Umm, OK, I guess.)
The first date card arrived and Lindsey was the chosen one. "Let love soar," the card read.
Lindsey cried when she received it because she was so excited. That was adorable, or maybe just a little scary.
A helicopter was waiting outside to take the two to their date destination. "I almost sent her home the first night after she wore that wedding dress," Sean told viewers. While he said he was glad she stayed around, we all thought that her baby voice had to go immediately, if not sooner.
The couple toured Glacier National Park and the scenery was breathtaking, unlike Lindsey's intelligence.
While the cameras focused on the pair kissing, with the microphones catching every slurp, it took everything in me to not turn the TV off in disgust. Didn't anyone listen last week when I specifically said to back the cameras up a bit? Sheeesh!
Sean took Lindsey on a relaxed date after their tour and confided to her that he wanted to know her deeper side. I wonder how horrified he really was when he found out there is no such side?
"I don't know what brought me here, what led me here," she said. Well, it's called an application and you filled it out along with that tape you sent in.
Unfortunately for all, Lindsey received the rose and secured her spot into the next round.
The group date card came to the house and read, "You make my heart race." Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and Daniella were called.
Sean said that he liked a girl that could wear heels one day and outdoorsy boots another day. Doesn't Usher have a song similar to that?
He sweeps the girls off their feet and places them on a farm. They are so happy about being there. "Are those dogs?," one of the girls yelled while passing a bunch of goats. Oh yeah, this should be good.
Host Chris Harrison divided the girls into two groups and informed them that they would be racing each other to win the second part of the date with Sean. The four-part competition included canoe racing, bucking hay, sawing a log and milking a goat. The best part: The glass of goat milked had to be chugged by one of the girls in order to win.
Watching the girls canoe was almost painful. Robyn and Selma were stuck in a bush the entire time, which shocked absolutely no one.
"Clearly, none of these women have ever been in a canoe," Sean laughed.
The rest of the competition continued until Desiree was set with the task of chugging the goat milk. Gag me now, please.
"The goat's milk was warm and it came out my nose. It was gross," Desiree said. Thank you for adding that bit about it being warm. Now I can sufficiently throw up the rest of my lunch.
The red team came away with the win and the blue team was shipped back to the house.
"Watching the blue team drive away just left a sinking feeling in my stomach," Sean said. So, he bent the rules, again, and invited the losing team to join the rest of them for the second part of the date.
Whoa, whoa, whoa… hold up! Desiree just drank warm goat milk for nothing?
Although all of the girls seemed visibly annoyed, Robyn took it to another level and was outright angry. "We got nothing extra out of winning," she said. Boo hoo, get over it.
Meanwhile, while Sean was in the middle of an interview with producers, who creeps up to stalk, I mean scare, him? None other than the Tierr-able.
"I don't care what people think of me because I need to see the guy I'm dating!" Tierra said. "I'm like, ‘why the heck am I getting a two-on-one?' It feels like a slap in the face."
Tierra and Jackie received their date card that read, "Love is wild." Harrison threw in a card of his own that said, "Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes." OK, did he just steal a card from Jumanji?
Back at the group date, Catherine was busy sitting in Sean's lap and inadvertently making Daniella cry.
The rose was on the table and the girls seemed ready to wrestle for it. "One of you definitely stood out tonight. You showed me a side I haven't seen before, Daniella, will you accept this rose?" So, all you need to do is cry a little and he will give you the rose. Noted.
The two-on-one date began and both girls were overly confident that they were coming back with a flower.
"It's a beautiful day and I'm excited to see my husband!" Tierra laughed.
The group went horseback riding because Sean wanted to make sure they have the outdoorsy quality he's seeking in a bride.
Jackie was pulled aside after the riding and told Sean that with her, what you see is what you get. She also told him that she thought he should know that while in the airport, Tierra was talking about how cute she thought another guy was and that she was flirting with him.
Unfortunately for Jackie, in the past, the rat is the one that goes home.
At the most awkward dinner table I have ever witnessed, Sean pulled Tierra outside to talk with her. She told him a story about a guy she had been dating and how he died and that it really affected her. I can sympathize with the story, but at the end of the day, if you're crazy -- you're crazy.
Obviously Sean gives Tierr-able the rose because why wouldn't he? His choices lead me to question life itself.
Another rose ceremony and another girl gets the boot. Angry Robyn went home and another dream was dashed.
That would be the end of it, but no, part two ensued.
The second segment opened with a beautiful scene of Alberta, Canada (wait, seriously, I was joking when I said that they shouldn't always open with Sean's abs).
"I left Montana feeling really disappointed with all of the drama," Sean said. "I had thought, maybe, maybe my wife isn't here."
The first date card arrived and fun-loving Catherine was called. The card read, "Let's find our fairytale ending."
Catherine was shown standing alone in the middle of a frozen tundra when Sean pulled up in a giant snow bus. "Let's go play on a glacier!" he said.
The two go sledding, do flips, somersaults and make snow angels. "This is what I want in a wife," Sean said. OK, so what I have gleaned thus far is that crying is a good thing and you want a woman who acts like a child? Got it.
Catherine opened up to Sean about an unfortunate accident at camp when she was 12. A girl in front of her on a hiking trail was hit by a falling tree and killed instantly. She told him that realized then that life could be taken at any time and didn't want to waste a day.
She's growing on me.
"She's intelligent, funny, sexy and I want her to know how incredibly special she is, and the rose is going to say that for me," Sean said. Whatever happened to just telling a girl that?
Sean said that he could see himself with Catherine and that she had melted his heart. How sweet.
Back at the house, the girls were waiting for the group date card. Everyone thought Daniella had the next one-on-one in the bag because she had not been on one yet.
The girls were surprised when the group date card had Daniella's name on it, meaning that she wouldn't be going on a solo date with Sean. Get the point already, Daniella, crying only worked one time. He doesn't like you, sorry.
Sean decided to take the group on another outdoorsy adventure that none of them enjoyed. They went canoeing through a beautiful lake and were then told they had the chance to do a polar plunge into barley above freezing water. Who's excited!? No one.
All the girls were good sports about it beside Diva-Selma. . "I would do anything for a rose, but not this," she said. Didn't she just say, anything? I love contradictory statements, too! "I don't want to put my life at risk. Call me a princess or whatever." OK, princess.
Tierra was seen jumping in first while all the girls followed. The girls hopped out quickly and were jumping up and down (literally) with excitement (and hypothermia).
Tierra, on the other hand, decided to hype the drama and make Sean feel bad for her. I'm no doctor, but would we really call some cold feet and hands "hypothermia?"
Medical crews took Tierra to a nearby room to warm her up and let her pretend she needed oxygen. She was actually seen looking around for Sean before she put the oxygen mask on.
How long will this girl get away with playing the victim? She is almost too good at this game.
Although Sean and the medical staff, told Tierra to stay and recuperate, she decided the second part of the date was more important than her frozen toes.
To everyone's disgust, she showed up at the party.
"I don't know what she has done to be so good at this, but she is a professional on how to get attention," Lesley said. "If this was a class, she should teach it. Everybody watch your back, we have Tierr-orist on our hands here." One point goes to Lesley.
Sarah pulled Sean aside and showed him baby photos and photos of her family. "I would love for you to meet them someday, " she cooed.
"Hearing her talk about her family was a reality check for me. I see the potential there and I think she's special," Sean said. "Meeting the family is a big deal and that's a scary thought. Am I ready for that?" (You know the hometowns are in like a week, right?)
While Tierra expected to receive the rose for making her miraculous recovery, Lesley took it home and made all of us happy.
In a move not seen often, Sean pulled Sarah out of the group to tell her that he really didn't see their relationship developing. "If I'm being completely honest, I just felt like we were reaching with the kiss tonight. I wanted it to work so badly. It's just, it hasn't been there," Sean said.
Everyone felt badly for Sarah when she said guys always give her the same story. That she is amazing and special but that they just don't feel a connection with her. Hang in there, honey, he's got to be out there somewhere! Right? Or is that just something I tell myself to feel better?
The following day, Desiree had her chance to impress Sean on their date. They repel down a mountain to a picnic. How realistic.
Out of nowhere they decided to climb a tree. Eh, why not? We all now know how much Sean loves to pretend he's six.
Wait -- did Sean call her his little cub? There is something so wrong about that.
Not surprisingly, Des received the rose and is safe until next week.
The cocktail party was the usual drama filled Tierra tornado, nothing worth noting. One thing that did stick out, however, was Selma supposedly shaming her family.
In episode 4, Selma made the case to Sean that kissing him on national television would be like directly smacking her family and religion in the face. She either drank too much or no longer cared about the repercussions, because she told Sean to close his eyes and landed one on his lips.
The worst part about this? Along with weepy Daniella, Selma didn't received a rose. Bam. That would be unfortunate if anyone actually liked her.