Now for the most obvious elimination in all 17 seasons of "Dancing with the Stars" (Don't forget to count the All-Star season).
First, the show opens with a standard opening dance number with the troupe. Then, because it's Time Filler Tuesday, we get a Monday Night Montage of video clips and interviews.
First results. Soap star Ingo Rademacher and Kym are safe. Ingo's safe? That means "Bachelor" Sean Lowe and Peta are out. I'm calling it now. We'll see if I'm wrong.
Ingo tweeted, "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAFE!!!!!!!! Thanks to all u guys!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!! SAFE!!!"
Also, country singer Kellie Pickler and Derek are in jeopardy. Really? She has a huge fanbase and dances great. The show is trying to convince us that judge Len Goodman's inexplicable 7 for her amazing paso doble is enough to send her plummeting to the bottom of viewer votes. Mark my words: she'll be back next week.
Now for the encore dance. Len says he had to pick the dance that nabbed the season's first perfect 30: Disney star Zendaya and Val doing a salsa with Gleb. It's joyful and fun, and I think Zendaya actually improved her footwork, per Len's suggestion Monday night. The dance presents Zendaya as a princess on a throne, with the guys as her bodyguards. She better keep that throne for the finals because she's the season's obvious winner. I've said it since week one.
More results. After Monday Night Montage Part 2, we learn Zendaya and Val are safe, but NFL star Jacoby Jones and Karina are in jeopardy. But I doubt they have anything to worry about.
Zendaya tweeted, "thanks do not explain how grateful I am to still dance with @iamValC all I can say is I will try even harder to b worthy of ur support!!"
In more unseen footage from Monday, judge Carrie Ann Inaba says Len robbed Kellie and Derek of a perfect score for their paso doble. I agree; I totally expected to see a perfect 30 for that one, until Len dropped the boom.
Performance time with Jason Derulo singing "The Other Side." This cat is athletic. He obviously won't let singing get in the way of his acrobatics; he just lipsynchs his way through the number. There's even a decoy Jason to convince us that he's in two places at once on the stage. Neat.
It's now time for us to learn what the couples will dance next week. On Monday, host Tom Bergeron said that fans would pick the dance styles for the stars on Twitter.
Kellie and Derek are pleased to get the flamenco. Ingo and Kym are happy to get the Charleston. Zendaya and Val seem happy enough to get hip hop. Sean and Peta get disco. Doesn't matter – they won't be here next week anyway. Olympian Aly Raisman and Mark get Afro Jazz. Whatever that is. But it's what Mark wanted, so they're happy. Jacoby and Karina are relieved to get the Lindy hop.
Let us not forget the real star of this season is Ingo's adorable little son, Peanut. So the show has a camera crew follow him around to document his adorableness. He drives a toy red Corvette into the lot, slaps hands with the stars, jumps on a couch with Jacoby, drives Andy Dick around who wails, "You're a reckless driver, Peanut!" before showing dance moves to Len and telling a stunned Jacoby his breath smells like burritos.
We get a stunning Macy's Stars of Dance performance with Derek and Jamie in a gravity-defying rotating room. Stunning choreography and athleticism. Wow.
Performance time with Emeli Zande doing her song that's always on the radio, "Next to Me." And she's actually singing!
More results. Aly and Mark are safe. Sean and Peta are in jeopardy. Didn't see that coming. Said sarcastically.
After a commercial break, it's time for the final results. Kellie and Derek are safe. Of course.
So it's between Jacoby and Karina or Sean and Peta. As they walk down the stairs to learn their fate, host Brooke Burke says, "While not necessarily the bottom two…" Golly, who could the other couple been at the bottom? Possibly Ingo and Kym? Hmm.
It's obviously Sean going home. If the show had pitted him against Ingo, there might have been some suspense.
Sean tweeted about his fiancé, "Thanks so much to everyone who supported me on DWTS! Truly blessed to have been apart of it all. Now on to the next chapter with @clmgiudici ."
Per my predictions, I'm going to posit that Ingo and Kym are going home in the semi-finals next week. In the finals, I think Jacoby and Aly will have to dance extra hard to nab that third spot against Kellie and destined winner Zendaya.