My boyfriend of two years has asked me to move in with him. He's got a beautiful four bedroom home that I practically live in, but I'm not sure he's "the one.” This move would be extremely financially beneficial, but I'm afraid of how messy things could get if we break up. What should I do?
It’s a question many couples throw around when they are in a committed relationship and possibly looking to take it to the next level; should we move in together? This is an email written to ABC15 from a reader looking for some sound advice.
Relationship Coach Marc Rudov looked in between the lines of the email and says he thinks this person needs to re-evaluate her relationship and not move in but move on.
“She talks about how beautiful his home is, but doesn’t gush about him,” he says. “In fact, she says ‘I’m not sure he’s the one,’ so, if she’s not sure he’s the one, why is she with him?’’
In an article written by Rudov in 2008 titled, ”Why Did She Choose You?” he suggests that men should blatantly ask their partners why they are in a relationship with them.
Ask your woman why she chose a Louis Vuitton bag or Manolo Blahnik shoes. She’ll talk endlessly and enthusiastically about these possessions. Impressive, huh? Has she told you, to your face, with similar enthusiasm, why she chose you? If not, there are three possible reasons, each unacceptable:
1) You never asked her
2) She doesn’t adore you
3) She’s guarded and unexpressive
In retrospect, Rudov says men need to return the favor.
“Being able to talk ad nauseam about why you love fishing or hunting or football, while unable to express specifically why you’re living with or married to her, is a HUGE red flag.”
According to a recent article in USA TODAY , nearly two-thirds of couples live together before saying “I do.” The article suggests that people find themselves in these so-called “trial marriages” because they want to share responsibilities, see if they can function in a domestic environment and split financial costs.
Phoenix Dating Coach Joann Cohen says statistically, living together before marriage doesn’t make a relationship successful and if a woman feels the only basis to move in with her boyfriend is financial, "she’d be better off getting a female roommate."
“She and her boyfriend both deserve better than living together for finances only,” Cohen says. “How would she feel if her boyfriend moved in with her for financial reasons only? If she flips the situation and puts herself in his shoes, she may get a better idea of why this isn’t a healthy decision.”
Cohen suggests that both men and women should take the time to sit down and make a short list of their core values. These would be things that they believe in whole heartedly like monogamy, honesty, religion and truthfulness. Cohen says these are “non-negotiable” values in a relationship and if the person you are dating doesn’t agree or honor these values then you need to move on.
“First, she needs to be honest with herself. Is her boyfriend mentally and spiritually healthy? Does he meet the few other non-negotiable values on her list? If not, then she owes it to him and herself to end the relationship.”
Miami Dating Coach Dan Silverman says Cohen’s exercise isn’t a bad idea for people who have recently started dating. However, he believes the “list” is usually thrown out the window if people have been in a relationship for several years.
“When most women fall in love, the list doesn’t mean anything,” he says. “For example, a woman may put marriage and kids on her list, but let’s say she meets a guy who doesn’t want to get married or have children. If she loves him unconditionally, she may start rethinking her list.”
In regards to the reader email, Silverman says no one should ever move in with their significant other for the benefit of saving money.
“It is pretty clear that she is not in love with her boyfriend,” he says. “She needs to quit wasting her time and his.”
Need a trained eye to weigh in on your own dating concerns? Email email@example.com to have dating and relationship experts answer your burning questions.
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