25-year study reveals secrets to a healthy, happy marriage

DETROIT - It’s the spring of 1986…”These Dreams” by Heart is playing on the radio. “Top Gun” helps make Tom Cruise a household name…and Bobby Ewing comes back from the dead on "Dallas".

That’s also the year the marriage project got underway at University of Michigan. A quarter century later—Dr. Terri Orbuch reports 46 percent of the couples they followed are divorced.

But more importantly, she has real evidence of what it takes to make a good marriage.

“The first is really easy. It’s to do or say small things to make your partner feel valued and special.”

And men and women don’t need the same things from a marriage.

Dr. Orbuch says, “Men need and crave affective affirmation. That’s phrases, word or behaviors, every single day to make them feel special and valued.”

It can be as simple as making a cup of his favorite tea and serving it with a heartfelt compliment or “I love you.”

“It makes your partner feel valued and special and men crave this more than women because that is the only place that men get that affirmation,” according to Dr. Orbuch

What do women require most?

Dr. Orbuch says women need help around the house.

That can mean loading the dishwasher from time to time or asking what chores need to get done.

It doesn’t have to be 50-50, but when men help around the house, women feel validated and feel happier.

Kathy and Doug Riggs have been married three years. They’re expecting their first child. And Doug realizes this may be the time for him to take on a few extra tasks.

He says, “I think you definitely have to be understanding of the other person and what they’re going through.”

Togetherness isn’t a problem for this married couple. They work together as physical therapists.

Shared interests are more important than they may seem.

I asked Dr. Orbuch if it is true that opposites attract. She told us, “Opposites may attract, but they don’t stay together over the long haul.”

Why not?

“It’s similarity that keeps people together, but again, it's similarity of values and attitudes that are important.”

Kathy Riggs explained, “We do have separate interests but a lot of our similar interests are relationship core interests, we have the same values, that’s what keeps us together."

Dr. Jackie Odom, Director of Psychology for Beaumont Hospitals, says mutual respect is also crucial to a good marriage.

“Couples have to have respect for their differences, for their likes and dislikes, for everything that they do.”

Communication is another important element. So try spending ten minutes each day talking about something other than work, household tasks or what’s going on with the family.

Dr. Odom says one of the key elements to communication is asking for what you want and what you need.

“Often we expect our spouse to know instinctively what we want and what we need without verbalizing it. And they honestly can’t know.”

Dr. Orbuch has written a book called "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great". But she also talks about how to know you’re in trouble.

“I think the biggest warning sign is when you have conflict in front of family and friends. Second, and really important – if something happened to you – would the first person you call be your partner? If the answer is yes, you’re okay.”

Doug says there’s no doubt who he’d turn to. “First thing that I do is see if she’s around and say, ‘Guess what, this is what’s going on’. You want to share immediately, definitely.”

What are the most vulnerable times in a marriage? The study showed that around the third or fourth year, and then between years 25 and 35 many couples run into trouble. So maintaining a healthy, happy marriage is a never-ending project.